4 Publications plan. This is the 2nd.
I don't know if there's anything bad left in this world that I haven't seen yet.
Discotheque
Since I was 7, or maybe 6 years old my mother was taking me to her parties. As I mentioned before - she loved that so when father moved out and grandfather died, she had no idea what to do with me so I was supposed to go with her.
At first sight I thought it's a normal disco party. I was wrong. Usually in the first 2-3 hours everyone was sober and just dancing but then they started to take drugs, drink more or also having sex everywhere. Sick? First time I saw people having sex when I was 7 and it wasn't in a porn video. It's disgusting. As I was a talkative child I've found one sober person (deejay - one dayI will write about our friendship) and started a friendship with him. This guy was at my mother's age so he treated me like his little daughter. He didn't have to ask about my mother.. he knew her very well. Everyone knew her very well. Since I met him I spent every party next to his console and it was cool. The only one bad thing is that his console was in the opposite of parquet so I had to watch it all.
It wasn't that nice for a little child to look at her mother acting like a cheap wh*re, touching with everyone, kissing with everyone, drinking tons of alcohol, taking tons of cocaine and God knows what more. All I wanted at this time was to go home and hide under the sheets that anyone could see that I'm a daughter of that beast.
Of course it wasn't like partying and then coming back home and rest. Everytime we came back she was bitchin' at me that I'm a trash, that her life would be better without me, that if she had a choose she wouldn't give a birth to me... then usually she took something heavy and started to bullying me. If you would like me to count all the nights I've cried it wouldn't be that hard to do... just count all days since the day I was born to the day I moved out from her flat. Sometimes I've tried to defend myself but then she was getting more angry and aggresive. I can still remember that she was hitting me so hard and screaming bullsh*t like "die you little b*tch", "I hate you", "go to hell", "who's gonna help you now, you cow?". It isn't easy to think about it even now, especially that I'm crying like a little child at this moment.
No, I don't want to write about it anymore, it makes me feel so bad, I'm sorry. Maybe one day I will come back to this post and finish it.
(...) to be continued...
Tuesday 13 January 2015
Saturday 10 January 2015
Ten harsh truths only the daughter of an alcoholic could understand.
A few hours ago I've found something interesting that I would like to share with you. Actually it's about fathers' daughters but maybe you are one or you will just find it noteworthy.
1. To love, or to hate.
The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.
2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.
Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.
3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.
Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.
4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.
You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.
5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.
As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.
6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.
To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.
7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.
So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.
8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.
You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.
9. You do not trust easily.
Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.
10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.
When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.
The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.
2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.
Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.
3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.
Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.
4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.
You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.
5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.
As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.
6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.
To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.
7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.
So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.
8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.
You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.
9. You do not trust easily.
Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.
10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.
When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.
Thursday 8 January 2015
I don't want to go on without you.
Here in the gloom of my lonely room
I hold her memories and smell her sweet perfume...
Kinda nice one when lying in a bed and thinking about my life.
I hold her memories and smell her sweet perfume...
Kinda nice one when lying in a bed and thinking about my life.
1. mother's behaviour
4 Publications plan. This is the 1st.
As I said before - my mother is the most evil thing I've seen in my life. I'm sure that you've heard about World War II and the III Reich Fuhrer - Adolf Hitler (she was born April 20th too). She must be his sister or reincarnation, believe me.
First of all - if you don't agree with her, you're piece of sh*t (in her opinion of course).
Second of all - if you won't do something like she wants to, you're piece of sh*t.
Third of all - if you will defend someone she's abusing, you're piece of sh*t..
Now, imagine that she treats foreigners like that. So... how she used to treat me and my father?
Father.
They loved partying, so many times I just stayed at home with my granma.
Everytime when dad came back from those parties he was totally wasted and depressed, why?
When they were in the pub or club, drinking beer, when dad went to a toilet for example, mother was mixing his beer with vodka. As he was getting drunk, she was mixing more and more. When dad fell asleep "under the table" she started to cheat on him. Clever b*tch, huh? She always had insane friends, so instead of helping him they were laughing and making jokes. Everytime they came home she was starting to fight with him.
As a child I couldn't understand what's going on but when I grew up I read about Borderline personality disorder. That's 100% about my mother.
Now, imagine that if he didn't agree or apologize her she was closing him in a basement (wtf?).
My dad used to be a kick-boxer and I know that martial arts makes you undersand many situations and being calm when somethings going wrong. So he just accepted her behaviour and didn't want to fight. My dad haven't punched any lady - ever.
She always cheated on dad. And now she's cheating on her current partner.
Oh, remember my post about watching a video by her and her friends? That's the best example that she had bad companionship.
Me.
She wanted to hurt me even before I was born. As a pregnant woman she climbed the roof and was balancing on the edge saying that she will jump. Thanks God she only wanted an attention... But what if she would lost her equipoise?
I will not describe all the things that she has done to me, because I want to do it later but I just wanted to tell you that during my childhood I was abusing, beaten, treated like I was nothing, a trash... Still I have some scars that she made on my body by punching me with different things like a cable, keys, a tube and many other stuff. But the worst thing is my mental condition now.
OK, as I said before I'm ill so I have no strengh to write more but soon I will make it up.
I am sorry, see you later.
As I said before - my mother is the most evil thing I've seen in my life. I'm sure that you've heard about World War II and the III Reich Fuhrer - Adolf Hitler (she was born April 20th too). She must be his sister or reincarnation, believe me.
First of all - if you don't agree with her, you're piece of sh*t (in her opinion of course).
Second of all - if you won't do something like she wants to, you're piece of sh*t.
Third of all - if you will defend someone she's abusing, you're piece of sh*t..
Now, imagine that she treats foreigners like that. So... how she used to treat me and my father?
Father.
They loved partying, so many times I just stayed at home with my granma.
Everytime when dad came back from those parties he was totally wasted and depressed, why?
When they were in the pub or club, drinking beer, when dad went to a toilet for example, mother was mixing his beer with vodka. As he was getting drunk, she was mixing more and more. When dad fell asleep "under the table" she started to cheat on him. Clever b*tch, huh? She always had insane friends, so instead of helping him they were laughing and making jokes. Everytime they came home she was starting to fight with him.
As a child I couldn't understand what's going on but when I grew up I read about Borderline personality disorder. That's 100% about my mother.
Now, imagine that if he didn't agree or apologize her she was closing him in a basement (wtf?).
My dad used to be a kick-boxer and I know that martial arts makes you undersand many situations and being calm when somethings going wrong. So he just accepted her behaviour and didn't want to fight. My dad haven't punched any lady - ever.
She always cheated on dad. And now she's cheating on her current partner.
Oh, remember my post about watching a video by her and her friends? That's the best example that she had bad companionship.
Me.
She wanted to hurt me even before I was born. As a pregnant woman she climbed the roof and was balancing on the edge saying that she will jump. Thanks God she only wanted an attention... But what if she would lost her equipoise?
I will not describe all the things that she has done to me, because I want to do it later but I just wanted to tell you that during my childhood I was abusing, beaten, treated like I was nothing, a trash... Still I have some scars that she made on my body by punching me with different things like a cable, keys, a tube and many other stuff. But the worst thing is my mental condition now.
OK, as I said before I'm ill so I have no strengh to write more but soon I will make it up.
I am sorry, see you later.
Little break & publications plan.
I thought that I'll give myself a break and rest a few days but I'm still ill and feel worse everyday. Probably it's just a flu but I don't know why medicine doesn't help me.
There's a lot more things that I want to share with you but my whole body aches so I can't think sober.
My boss told me to stay at home til the end of this week so maybe I'll make something out later. It's time to say something about how my mother has treated my father and a bit about grandma.
Publications plan:
1. mother's behaviour
2. where she was taking me when I was a little child
3. when I saw a man raping my mother
4. few random situations that I can remember
Cu later.
There's a lot more things that I want to share with you but my whole body aches so I can't think sober.
My boss told me to stay at home til the end of this week so maybe I'll make something out later. It's time to say something about how my mother has treated my father and a bit about grandma.
Publications plan:
1. mother's behaviour
2. where she was taking me when I was a little child
3. when I saw a man raping my mother
4. few random situations that I can remember
Cu later.
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