Confused.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind, or am I only dreaming? I did it, I moved to another country, far away from home, far away from my past and problems. No. I only thought it will work like this. Who do I think I'm fooling? So now I'm at the house party in my new flat... I told guests and friends that I need to go to sleep. But I lied. I only wanted to be alone, I just couldn't stand my surroundings.

Is it banned for me to be happy? I have found a new boyfriend here, I feel like I'm falling, or maybe already fell in love but it makes me feel uncomfortable somehow. I also feel still something to my previous boyfriend. That love was so strong, the strongest one I had. It's hard to believe how I can attach to people, it's scary. I'm not drunk now, I'm totally sober. My mind, why you are doing this to me? My thoughts now are twisted... I look at things and they seem to be different than before altough nothing changed at all. I was laing in my bed for a while now and felt that I must share my feelings.

Maybe my current mental health is a bit confused because when I moved, I have changed everything. I have changed my surroundings, friends, job, really everything. I start to think that I should visit a specialist. There are things that don't make me happy anymore. We can start from food and finish at sex while talking about this. Myself just changed to someone empty. More empty than it used to be. I'm only 20 and already don't know what to do. I realized that I have no plan for my life. And for sure I will not move on until I will find someone who will show me the right way of living. You know, how can I create a normal life when I didn't experience one?

I don't cry anymore. I have nothing to cry for at least, my past life has passed, so why should I have feelings about it? But learning to not think about my feelings from the past made me forget to feel now. I mean I'm shocked how easily I can get a rid of others, no matter if they're my close or not close friends, family or something. I left my previous country and I thought that maybe I will miss someone. I don't. I'm not even in a mood to talk with my best (or past?) friends... Why? I can't tell the shape I'm in. I just became a machine without anything left. I only wake up, work, then go to sleep and this wheel is turning round and round.

So when I'm sure I don't have any feelings left, there is one question left. Why am I writing this? Somehow my mind tells me to share my thoughts about having no thoughts at all.