Confused.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind, or am I only dreaming? I did it, I moved to another country, far away from home, far away from my past and problems. No. I only thought it will work like this. Who do I think I'm fooling? So now I'm at the house party in my new flat... I told guests and friends that I need to go to sleep. But I lied. I only wanted to be alone, I just couldn't stand my surroundings.

Is it banned for me to be happy? I have found a new boyfriend here, I feel like I'm falling, or maybe already fell in love but it makes me feel uncomfortable somehow. I also feel still something to my previous boyfriend. That love was so strong, the strongest one I had. It's hard to believe how I can attach to people, it's scary. I'm not drunk now, I'm totally sober. My mind, why you are doing this to me? My thoughts now are twisted... I look at things and they seem to be different than before altough nothing changed at all. I was laing in my bed for a while now and felt that I must share my feelings.

Maybe my current mental health is a bit confused because when I moved, I have changed everything. I have changed my surroundings, friends, job, really everything. I start to think that I should visit a specialist. There are things that don't make me happy anymore. We can start from food and finish at sex while talking about this. Myself just changed to someone empty. More empty than it used to be. I'm only 20 and already don't know what to do. I realized that I have no plan for my life. And for sure I will not move on until I will find someone who will show me the right way of living. You know, how can I create a normal life when I didn't experience one?

I don't cry anymore. I have nothing to cry for at least, my past life has passed, so why should I have feelings about it? But learning to not think about my feelings from the past made me forget to feel now. I mean I'm shocked how easily I can get a rid of others, no matter if they're my close or not close friends, family or something. I left my previous country and I thought that maybe I will miss someone. I don't. I'm not even in a mood to talk with my best (or past?) friends... Why? I can't tell the shape I'm in. I just became a machine without anything left. I only wake up, work, then go to sleep and this wheel is turning round and round.

So when I'm sure I don't have any feelings left, there is one question left. Why am I writing this? Somehow my mind tells me to share my thoughts about having no thoughts at all.

Why?

As you probably noticed, I didn't post anything new for a long time. The reason is I gave up fighting when my grandmother told me that she will die soon.

I feel like my life doesn't have a sense now. I decided to change my place of living, next week I'm moving to Stockholm to start a brand new adventure with thing called life. Maybe I will get better, maybe no, who knows. I bet I will not post anything more here but who knows?

In a last few months I came back to listening to Metallica, because their songs can describe what I feel now.

Wish you well guys and I fade to black...

Metallica - Fade To Black

Life, it seems, will fade away drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself... nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me, I need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be, missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real, I cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn, I was me, but now she's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try?

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm
Now I will just say goodbye

Kix - Don't Close Your Eyes

Whatcha doing out in the night time?

Why'd ya callin' me on the phone?

Your mama can't solve your problems

When's daddy, ever get home?

So you did your little move and cried

In the middle of a suicide

Don't close your eyes

Don't close your eyes

Don't sing your last lullaby

There's no one there to hold you

No one hears your scream

You live life up and down now

Your nightmares are your dreams

I know it's lonely when your hanging 'round

Don't ya take it lying down, no, no

Hold on, hold on tight

I'll make everything all right

Wake up don't go to sleep

I'll pray the Lord your soul to keep

Don't close your eyes

Don't close your eyes

Don't sing your last lullaby

Find a problem from your childhood.

It's been a while since my last time here but I just found some time to write anything.

A few weeks ago I've found an excercise that helps you understand yourself a bit. I think it's not that hard, when I saw questions I didn't have any problem with imagination. You must meet yourself as a child.
Imagine that you will meet little you...

Where is it taking a place? A bench, room or maybe a shop?
Take a look at yourself - are you sitting, standing, dancing? How old are you?
Take a look at your clothes - do you have a jacket, trousers, dress, any disguise?
Now look at your face - are you smiling? Where are you looking at? Do you have anything on your face?
Now think a bit - do you want to ask yourself for something? Or you just prefer to sit and don't talk?
Do you feel that you don't have to say anything because you understand yourself without words? Do you know how does this little child feel or do you want to ask? Try to imagine and understand it.

So I did it...
I'm walking down the path near to my house and I see little-myself sitting on a bench. It's an April's morning, sun shines in the sky, there aren't so many clouds. I'm moving closer... little myself is looking straight and doesn't say anything. She sees me but doesn't react. Her eyes are sad - I don't need to ask why - I know that parents just had an argument and she ran out of a flat to calm down. She doesn't cry but it's normal, she cries really seldom. So we are just sitting together and enjoing the sound of silence. She has a red jacket, I can't see anything more. I'm fulfilled with compassion for this kid... she didn't deserve to be treaten like that. I drop a tear and then she turns her head and gives me a little smile. I want to help this child so much but I can't... little me must face it on her own, like it always used to be. Then she stands up slowly and walks back home. Without any word. When she's far away she turns and waves to me. I smile through my sadness and wave back. This is the end... she's gone now.

Break.

As you probably noticed I didn't add any new posts in a last few weeks. The reason is that I'm pretty busy right now, so I can't find time to write. I have a planty of new duties at work, so it can take some time before I'll write anything.

Hope you're doing well.