4 Publications plan. This is the 2nd.
I don't know if there's anything bad left in this world that I haven't seen yet.
Discotheque
Since I was 7, or maybe 6 years old my mother was taking me to her parties. As I mentioned before - she loved that so when father moved out and grandfather died, she had no idea what to do with me so I was supposed to go with her.
At first sight I thought it's a normal disco party. I was wrong. Usually in the first 2-3 hours everyone was sober and just dancing but then they started to take drugs, drink more or also having sex everywhere. Sick? First time I saw people having sex when I was 7 and it wasn't in a porn video. It's disgusting. As I was a talkative child I've found one sober person (deejay - one dayI will write about our friendship) and started a friendship with him. This guy was at my mother's age so he treated me like his little daughter. He didn't have to ask about my mother.. he knew her very well. Everyone knew her very well. Since I met him I spent every party next to his console and it was cool. The only one bad thing is that his console was in the opposite of parquet so I had to watch it all.
It wasn't that nice for a little child to look at her mother acting like a cheap wh*re, touching with everyone, kissing with everyone, drinking tons of alcohol, taking tons of cocaine and God knows what more. All I wanted at this time was to go home and hide under the sheets that anyone could see that I'm a daughter of that beast.
Of course it wasn't like partying and then coming back home and rest. Everytime we came back she was bitchin' at me that I'm a trash, that her life would be better without me, that if she had a choose she wouldn't give a birth to me... then usually she took something heavy and started to bullying me. If you would like me to count all the nights I've cried it wouldn't be that hard to do... just count all days since the day I was born to the day I moved out from her flat. Sometimes I've tried to defend myself but then she was getting more angry and aggresive. I can still remember that she was hitting me so hard and screaming bullsh*t like "die you little b*tch", "I hate you", "go to hell", "who's gonna help you now, you cow?". It isn't easy to think about it even now, especially that I'm crying like a little child at this moment.
No, I don't want to write about it anymore, it makes me feel so bad, I'm sorry. Maybe one day I will come back to this post and finish it.
(...) to be continued...
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Ten harsh truths only the daughter of an alcoholic could understand.
A few hours ago I've found something interesting that I would like to share with you. Actually it's about fathers' daughters but maybe you are one or you will just find it noteworthy.
1. To love, or to hate.
The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.
2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.
Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.
3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.
Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.
4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.
You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.
5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.
As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.
6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.
To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.
7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.
So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.
8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.
You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.
9. You do not trust easily.
Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.
10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.
When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.
The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.
2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.
Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.
3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.
Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.
4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.
You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.
5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.
As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.
6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.
To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.
7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.
So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.
8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.
You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.
9. You do not trust easily.
Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.
10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.
When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.
Monday, 22 December 2014
"So it begins..." My first memory. 4/5 years old.
It was the winter of '98/99 (probably late '98 December or early '99 January). As a birthday gift I've received my 1st sledge. The other day I was awoken by mom and saw tons of snow behind the window. Fulfilled with happiness I woke my dad and asked if we could go out for sledding to the nearby area. /at that time my parents were still married so we lived together with my grandfather who died more than a year later/ As he agreed I immediately dressed up and we went to a little mountain which was situated pretty close to our flat. I've met other children at that place so my dad just sat down on a bench with my friend's father (I will write about this bastard too, but later) and I was enjoying time in the snow. When it started to getting dark I turned around and I saw that he was gone. I can't remember what I thought about but I decided to go back home before the night will come down. Thanks God it wasn't that far away so I could find the right way.
OK, I will not forget that view of my father when I've opened the door to my room. He was laying naked on my bed, totally drunk and pissed himself and my bed. I bet he has started to piss when he had his clothes on because they were all lying wet on my toys...
I started to cry but a few moments later I realized that I can't just lay and get hysterical like a little child (which I actually was). I took a towel and covered him, then turned him on his right side (I didn't want him to throttle with his own puke). I don't know if it's a shame for me, my dad or himself that my grandfather was recording the whole situation. What an a**hole. Instead of help a little child or don't let me see my father like this he was just standing... I bet he was drunk too. But where was my mother? Pff, God knows. She was only into partying and didn't care about me.
I can also remember that the next day she came back and watched the video with her friends and she was laughing that I've tried to help my dad. Her friends were just looking at me with compassion but they knew that they can't do anything. And if someone told her to stop laughing she was like "get the f**k out!!!".
This is my 1st memory from my childhood. It's not physically violent at all but my 1st reminiscence should be having fun in the amusement park or my first animal. Just like the other children "normal" memories.
Anyway, it's pretty soft comparing to my other adventures with drunk people. See you soon.
OK, I will not forget that view of my father when I've opened the door to my room. He was laying naked on my bed, totally drunk and pissed himself and my bed. I bet he has started to piss when he had his clothes on because they were all lying wet on my toys...
I started to cry but a few moments later I realized that I can't just lay and get hysterical like a little child (which I actually was). I took a towel and covered him, then turned him on his right side (I didn't want him to throttle with his own puke). I don't know if it's a shame for me, my dad or himself that my grandfather was recording the whole situation. What an a**hole. Instead of help a little child or don't let me see my father like this he was just standing... I bet he was drunk too. But where was my mother? Pff, God knows. She was only into partying and didn't care about me.
I can also remember that the next day she came back and watched the video with her friends and she was laughing that I've tried to help my dad. Her friends were just looking at me with compassion but they knew that they can't do anything. And if someone told her to stop laughing she was like "get the f**k out!!!".
This is my 1st memory from my childhood. It's not physically violent at all but my 1st reminiscence should be having fun in the amusement park or my first animal. Just like the other children "normal" memories.
Anyway, it's pretty soft comparing to my other adventures with drunk people. See you soon.
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