Ten harsh truths only the daughter of an alcoholic could understand.

A few hours ago I've found something interesting that I would like to share with you. Actually it's about fathers' daughters but maybe you are one or you will just find it noteworthy.

1. To love, or to hate.

The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.

2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.

Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.

3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.

Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.

4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.

You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.

5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.

As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.

6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.

To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.

7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.

So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.

8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.

You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.

9. You do not trust easily.

Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.

10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.

When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.

It's 100% me. What do you think about it?

Here's a source.

1. mother's behaviour

4 Publications plan. This is the 1st.

As I said before - my mother is the most evil thing I've seen in my life. I'm sure that you've heard about World War II and the III Reich Fuhrer - Adolf Hitler (she was born April 20th too). She must be his sister or reincarnation, believe me.

First of all - if you don't agree with her, you're piece of sh*t (in her opinion of course).
Second of all - if you won't do something like she wants to, you're piece of sh*t.
Third of all - if you will defend someone she's abusing, you're piece of sh*t..

Now, imagine that she treats foreigners like that. So... how she used to treat me and my father?

Father.

They loved partying, so many times I just stayed at home with my granma.
Everytime when dad came back from those parties he was totally wasted and depressed, why?
When they were in the pub or club, drinking beer, when dad went to a toilet for example, mother was mixing his beer with vodka. As he was getting drunk, she was mixing more and more. When dad fell asleep "under the table" she started to cheat on him. Clever b*tch, huh? She always had insane friends, so instead of helping him they were laughing and making jokes. Everytime they came home she was starting to fight with him.
As a child I couldn't understand what's going on but when I grew up I read about Borderline personality disorder. That's 100% about my mother.
Now, imagine that if he didn't agree or apologize her she was closing him in a basement (wtf?).
My dad used to be a kick-boxer and I know that martial arts makes you undersand many situations and being calm when somethings going wrong. So he just accepted her behaviour and didn't want to fight. My dad haven't punched any lady - ever.

She always cheated on dad. And now she's cheating on her current partner.

Oh, remember my post about watching a video by her and her friends? That's the best example that she had bad companionship.

Me.

She wanted to hurt me even before I was born. As a pregnant woman she climbed the roof and was balancing on the edge saying that she will jump. Thanks God she only wanted an attention... But what if she would lost her equipoise?
I will not describe all the things that she has done to me, because I want to do it later but I just wanted to tell you that during my childhood I was abusing, beaten, treated like I was nothing, a trash... Still I have some scars that she made on my body by punching me with different things like a cable, keys, a tube and many other stuff. But the worst thing is my mental condition now.

OK, as I said before I'm ill so I have no strengh to write more but soon I will make it up.

I am sorry, see you later.

"So it begins..." My first memory. 4/5 years old.

It was the winter of '98/99 (probably late '98 December or early '99 January). As a birthday gift I've received my 1st sledge. The other day I was awoken by mom and saw tons of snow behind the window. Fulfilled with happiness I woke my dad and asked if we could go out for sledding to the nearby area. /at that time my parents were still married so we lived together with my grandfather who died more than a year later/ As he agreed I immediately dressed up and we went to a little mountain which was situated pretty close to our flat. I've met other children at that place so my dad just sat down on a bench with my friend's father (I will write about this bastard too, but later) and I was enjoying time in the snow. When it started to getting dark I turned around and I saw that he was gone. I can't remember what I thought about but I decided to go back home before the night will come down. Thanks God it wasn't that far away so I could find the right way.

OK, I will not forget that view of my father when I've opened the door to my room. He was laying naked on my bed, totally drunk and pissed himself and my bed. I bet he has started to piss when he had his clothes on because they were all lying wet on my toys...
I started to cry but a few moments later I realized that I can't just lay and get hysterical like a little child (which I actually was). I took a towel and covered him, then turned him on his right side (I didn't want him to throttle with his own puke). I don't know if it's a shame for me, my dad or himself that my grandfather was recording the whole situation. What an a**hole. Instead of help a little child or don't let me see my father like this he was just standing... I bet he was drunk too. But where was my mother? Pff, God knows. She was only into partying and didn't care about me.

I can also remember that the next day she came back and watched the video with her friends and she was laughing that I've tried to help my dad. Her friends were just looking at me with compassion but they knew that they can't do anything. And if someone told her to stop laughing she was like "get the f**k out!!!".

This is my 1st memory from my childhood. It's not physically violent at all but my 1st reminiscence should be having fun in the amusement park or my first animal. Just like the other children "normal" memories.

Anyway, it's pretty soft comparing to my other adventures with drunk people. See you soon.

My immediate family tree and short desciptions.

OK, so here we go. It's complicated, isn't it?

From the left:

Grandfather - loves vodka and being lazy. Used to work as a welder. Dad says that he was very violent when his sons were young and used to beat them (but not his wife, only children). He's working as a security man now and goes to work drunk everyday.

Grandmother - the only one person who I really love and respect. She teached me how to live my life but she doesn't know how my childhood has looked like. I couldn't tell her, because I don't want to worry her. Since 3 weeks she's lying in the hospital and having a chemotherapy, that's the reason I'm totally broken.

3 brothers - actually only one of them lives with me now, so I won't describe the others. He loves vodka just like his father. He drinks everyday since almost 30 years - a few months ago he was diagnosed with a cancer. I know he loves me but when he's drunk he becomes aggressive. No wife, no children.

Father - the one who has let me down me the most. In the 90's he used to be a kickboxer, he was fighting with the most popular sportsmen and was really good. In 1993 he took first place in kickboxing championship. His success motivated me to start martial arts and I was as good as my dad. Won a lot of prizes and 1st places. Til approx. 2008 he was the calmest person I've ever met, then something changed... guess what? Of course! He has had started to drink a vodka. When he started drinking, I gave up martial arts.

People which I've mentioned above (except 2 brothers of my father) are my roommates since 2008.
People below were my roommates til 2008.

RIP Grandfather - he died in 2000 but I can remember something about him. Don't worry, it's nothing nice. I only can remember that he was drunk almost everyday but not aggressive. He woke up, went drinking and came back sleep, so I didn't talk much with him. He always had his camera so I have a lot of pics and videos when I was like 0-7 years old.

RIP Grandmother - I don't know nothing about her, she died before I was born.

Mother - oh my God... if you think you met someone evil in your life, you're wrong. This is the worst person on this planet. She beat me, tried to kill me, abused me, she could destroy my all CD's which I was collecting, my clothes and everything I used to owe. That's the reason I escaped from her flat to my grandmother's home. Anything I do, she screams and becomes aggressive. When I was young she blamed me that I was born, so that's why she treated me like a piece of s**t (that's what she told me). Anyway, I'll write about it later. Ahhh, I forgot - of course she loves drinking and partying.

Partner - when my parents divorced, a couple of years later she got pregnant with this guy. He comes from a village and works as a security man. To be honest - I don't like him. Not because I'm jealous or something but just because I'm full of empathy and even when my mother comes straight from hell I can't stand when he's bullying her and their child.

Brother - a child of my mother and her partner. He is mentally ill (ADHD, Asperger Syndrome) but I love him. Actually he acts like a normal child, which sometimes becomes a little devil.

So you already know that I'm an ACOA. Now imagine that I live with 3 guys and every guy drinks everyday. I must clean up house, cook and pay bills. And I'm 20 years old...

It's not all, I used to live mostly with a boyfriend for almost 2 years (10.2012-08.2014, with some short breaks) but I'll write about it later.