I think I'm slowly losing my mind, or am I only dreaming? I did it, I
moved to another country, far away from home, far away from my past and
problems. No. I only thought it will work like this. Who do I think I'm
fooling? So now I'm at the house party in my new flat... I told guests
and friends that I need to go to sleep. But I lied. I only wanted to be
alone, I just couldn't stand my surroundings.
Is it
banned for me to be happy? I have found a new boyfriend here, I feel
like I'm falling, or maybe already fell in love but it makes me feel
uncomfortable somehow. I also feel still something to my previous
boyfriend. That love was so strong, the strongest one I had. It's hard
to believe how I can attach to people, it's scary. I'm not drunk now,
I'm totally sober. My mind, why you are doing this to me? My thoughts
now are twisted... I look at things and they seem to be different than
before altough nothing changed at all. I was laing in my bed for a while
now and felt that I must share my feelings.
Maybe my
current mental health is a bit confused because when I moved, I have
changed everything. I have changed my surroundings, friends, job, really
everything. I start to think that I should visit a specialist. There
are things that don't make me happy anymore. We can start from food and
finish at sex while talking about this. Myself just changed to someone
empty. More empty than it used to be. I'm only 20 and already don't know
what to do. I realized that I have no plan for my life. And for sure I
will not move on until I will find someone who will show me the right
way of living. You know, how can I create a normal life when I didn't
experience one?
I don't cry anymore. I have nothing to
cry for at least, my past life has passed, so why should I have feelings
about it? But learning to not think about my feelings from the past
made me forget to feel now. I mean I'm shocked how easily I can get a
rid of others, no matter if they're my close or not close friends,
family or something. I left my previous country and I thought that maybe
I will miss someone. I don't. I'm not even in a mood to talk with my
best (or past?) friends... Why? I can't tell the shape I'm in. I just
became a machine without anything left. I only wake up, work, then go to
sleep and this wheel is turning round and round.
So
when I'm sure I don't have any feelings left, there is one question
left. Why am I writing this? Somehow my mind tells me to share my
thoughts about having no thoughts at all.
