Confused.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind, or am I only dreaming? I did it, I moved to another country, far away from home, far away from my past and problems. No. I only thought it will work like this. Who do I think I'm fooling? So now I'm at the house party in my new flat... I told guests and friends that I need to go to sleep. But I lied. I only wanted to be alone, I just couldn't stand my surroundings.

Is it banned for me to be happy? I have found a new boyfriend here, I feel like I'm falling, or maybe already fell in love but it makes me feel uncomfortable somehow. I also feel still something to my previous boyfriend. That love was so strong, the strongest one I had. It's hard to believe how I can attach to people, it's scary. I'm not drunk now, I'm totally sober. My mind, why you are doing this to me? My thoughts now are twisted... I look at things and they seem to be different than before altough nothing changed at all. I was laing in my bed for a while now and felt that I must share my feelings.

Maybe my current mental health is a bit confused because when I moved, I have changed everything. I have changed my surroundings, friends, job, really everything. I start to think that I should visit a specialist. There are things that don't make me happy anymore. We can start from food and finish at sex while talking about this. Myself just changed to someone empty. More empty than it used to be. I'm only 20 and already don't know what to do. I realized that I have no plan for my life. And for sure I will not move on until I will find someone who will show me the right way of living. You know, how can I create a normal life when I didn't experience one?

I don't cry anymore. I have nothing to cry for at least, my past life has passed, so why should I have feelings about it? But learning to not think about my feelings from the past made me forget to feel now. I mean I'm shocked how easily I can get a rid of others, no matter if they're my close or not close friends, family or something. I left my previous country and I thought that maybe I will miss someone. I don't. I'm not even in a mood to talk with my best (or past?) friends... Why? I can't tell the shape I'm in. I just became a machine without anything left. I only wake up, work, then go to sleep and this wheel is turning round and round.

So when I'm sure I don't have any feelings left, there is one question left. Why am I writing this? Somehow my mind tells me to share my thoughts about having no thoughts at all.

Why?

As you probably noticed, I didn't post anything new for a long time. The reason is I gave up fighting when my grandmother told me that she will die soon.

I feel like my life doesn't have a sense now. I decided to change my place of living, next week I'm moving to Stockholm to start a brand new adventure with thing called life. Maybe I will get better, maybe no, who knows. I bet I will not post anything more here but who knows?

In a last few months I came back to listening to Metallica, because their songs can describe what I feel now.

Wish you well guys and I fade to black...

Metallica - Fade To Black

Life, it seems, will fade away drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself... nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me, I need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be, missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real, I cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn, I was me, but now she's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try?

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm
Now I will just say goodbye

Kix - Don't Close Your Eyes

Whatcha doing out in the night time?

Why'd ya callin' me on the phone?

Your mama can't solve your problems

When's daddy, ever get home?

So you did your little move and cried

In the middle of a suicide

Don't close your eyes

Don't close your eyes

Don't sing your last lullaby

There's no one there to hold you

No one hears your scream

You live life up and down now

Your nightmares are your dreams

I know it's lonely when your hanging 'round

Don't ya take it lying down, no, no

Hold on, hold on tight

I'll make everything all right

Wake up don't go to sleep

I'll pray the Lord your soul to keep

Don't close your eyes

Don't close your eyes

Don't sing your last lullaby

Find a problem from your childhood.

It's been a while since my last time here but I just found some time to write anything.

A few weeks ago I've found an excercise that helps you understand yourself a bit. I think it's not that hard, when I saw questions I didn't have any problem with imagination. You must meet yourself as a child.
Imagine that you will meet little you...

Where is it taking a place? A bench, room or maybe a shop?
Take a look at yourself - are you sitting, standing, dancing? How old are you?
Take a look at your clothes - do you have a jacket, trousers, dress, any disguise?
Now look at your face - are you smiling? Where are you looking at? Do you have anything on your face?
Now think a bit - do you want to ask yourself for something? Or you just prefer to sit and don't talk?
Do you feel that you don't have to say anything because you understand yourself without words? Do you know how does this little child feel or do you want to ask? Try to imagine and understand it.

So I did it...
I'm walking down the path near to my house and I see little-myself sitting on a bench. It's an April's morning, sun shines in the sky, there aren't so many clouds. I'm moving closer... little myself is looking straight and doesn't say anything. She sees me but doesn't react. Her eyes are sad - I don't need to ask why - I know that parents just had an argument and she ran out of a flat to calm down. She doesn't cry but it's normal, she cries really seldom. So we are just sitting together and enjoing the sound of silence. She has a red jacket, I can't see anything more. I'm fulfilled with compassion for this kid... she didn't deserve to be treaten like that. I drop a tear and then she turns her head and gives me a little smile. I want to help this child so much but I can't... little me must face it on her own, like it always used to be. Then she stands up slowly and walks back home. Without any word. When she's far away she turns and waves to me. I smile through my sadness and wave back. This is the end... she's gone now.

Break.

As you probably noticed I didn't add any new posts in a last few weeks. The reason is that I'm pretty busy right now, so I can't find time to write. I have a planty of new duties at work, so it can take some time before I'll write anything.

Hope you're doing well.

2. where she was taking me when I was a little child

4 Publications plan. This is the 2nd.

I don't know if there's anything bad left in this world that I haven't seen yet. 

Discotheque

Since I was 7, or maybe 6 years old my mother was taking me to her parties. As I mentioned before - she loved that so when father moved out and grandfather died, she had no idea what to do with me so I was supposed to go with her.

At first sight I thought it's a normal disco party. I was wrong. Usually in the first 2-3 hours everyone was sober and just dancing but then they started to take drugs, drink more or also having sex everywhere. Sick? First time I saw people having sex when I was 7 and it wasn't in a porn video. It's disgusting. As I was a talkative child I've found one sober person (deejay - one dayI will write about our friendship) and started a friendship with him. This guy was at my mother's age so he treated me like his little daughter. He didn't have to ask about my mother.. he knew her very well. Everyone knew her very well. Since I met him I spent every party next to his console and it was cool. The only one bad thing is that his console was in the opposite of parquet so I had to watch it all.

It wasn't that nice for a little child to look at her mother acting like a cheap wh*re, touching with everyone, kissing with everyone, drinking tons of alcohol, taking tons of cocaine and God knows what more. All I wanted at this time was to go home and hide under the sheets that anyone could see that I'm a daughter of that beast.

Of course it wasn't like partying and then coming back home and rest. Everytime we came back she was bitchin' at me that I'm a trash, that her life would be better without me, that if she had a choose she wouldn't give a birth to me... then usually she took something heavy and started to bullying me. If you would like me to count all the nights I've cried it wouldn't be that hard to do... just count all days since the day I was born to the day I moved out from her flat. Sometimes I've tried to defend myself but then she was getting more angry and aggresive. I can still remember that she was hitting me so hard and screaming bullsh*t like "die you little b*tch", "I hate you", "go to hell", "who's gonna help you now, you cow?". It isn't easy to think about it even now, especially that I'm crying like a little child at this moment.

No, I don't want to write about it anymore, it makes me feel so bad, I'm sorry. Maybe one day I will come back to this post and finish it.
 (...) to be continued...

Ten harsh truths only the daughter of an alcoholic could understand.

A few hours ago I've found something interesting that I would like to share with you. Actually it's about fathers' daughters but maybe you are one or you will just find it noteworthy.

1. To love, or to hate.

The internal fight you have always had to face pulls you multiple directions. You think to yourself that your dad loves you, that he messes up at times but has also done extraordinary things for you. And that might be true; he certainly has always tried his hardest, but his hardest has not been enough to forge a happy childhood for you. You might have had nights where the yelling was too much, and where all the love you thought you had for your dad turned to hate. Yet there were also, inevitably, nights that crystallized his love for you. The back-and-forth is a daily pain you’re forced to face.

2. When you mess up, you know, deep down, that your punishment isn’t nearly as bad as it should be.

Yet you still don’t get punished like the other kids in your class. Why? Because you are Daddy’s angel, and your dad knows he has done much worse in the past. So you got a bad grade — it’s okay, he can drink it off for you.

3. When there’s even a mention of you drinking alcohol, he loses it.

Because he could never dream of his baby turning into what he has become. No child of his should have to face the struggle of being an alcoholic; he should know: he’s intimately aware of the misfortune it brings.

4. When you walk into the room and he is passed out on the couch with the TV on, you simply ignore it, turn the tv off, and go to sleep.

You’re the adult here — you’ve been so for awhile. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s you who will be tucking your dad in at night, and not the other way around. Situations like this have happened so many times, that you no longer even flinch when you find empty beer bottles floating around the living room.

5. You never have friends over; you go to their houses instead.

As much as you’d love to have a good hangout at your house, it’s much easier to go to somebody else’s house as opposed to yours, where your dad will inevitably be stumbling around and cracking inappropriate jokes.

6. “Sorry, he’s drunk” has became more of a joke to you.

To help mitigate the pain that comes with having to constantly explain your father’s ridiculous behavior, you’ve turned it into a joke. To protect yourself, you’ve learned to laugh at situations that might’ve otherwise made you cry in the past, no matter how morally wrong this truly is. And you do it quietly, of course — so he doesn’t overhear and get angry.

7. When you ask him to quit, he knows he needs to.

So he says he will quit, but he’s always said that. You know how hard it is for him to quit, and how much he relies on alcohol, but it still nevertheless upsets you. His “relapses” were never actually relapses; you know he has never actually stopped. In your head you tell yourself to be compassionate, but all you want to do is scream.

8. When you were a kid, asking him to pick you up from somewhere at night was completely unacceptable.

You did not want him drunk driving, and you knew he would take that chance for you. You didn’t want him to risk getting another DUI either. So you’d ask for rides home from friends’ parents, saying your parents were busy and unable to make it.

9. You do not trust easily.

Nope, not easily at all. Actually, trust is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. How can you trust someone when your father has let you down so many times? And that’s not even mentioning how big of liars alcoholics typically are. How could you trust a boyfriend when your own dad lies to you constantly? You are closed off to the world, and definitely closed off to love. The only person you need to lookout for is yourself, and you know that.

10. You are proud, and would not have had it any other way.

When you think about it, your life seems so difficult because it WAS difficult. It still might be difficult, or it may always be difficult, but that is what made you who you are today. You’ve dealt with the dysfunction, the abuse, and the pain. You have overcome so much and you can still smile today.

It's 100% me. What do you think about it?

Here's a source.

I don't want to go on without you.

Here in the gloom of my lonely room
I hold her memories and smell her sweet perfume...



Kinda nice one when lying in a bed and thinking about my life.

1. mother's behaviour

4 Publications plan. This is the 1st.

As I said before - my mother is the most evil thing I've seen in my life. I'm sure that you've heard about World War II and the III Reich Fuhrer - Adolf Hitler (she was born April 20th too). She must be his sister or reincarnation, believe me.

First of all - if you don't agree with her, you're piece of sh*t (in her opinion of course).
Second of all - if you won't do something like she wants to, you're piece of sh*t.
Third of all - if you will defend someone she's abusing, you're piece of sh*t..

Now, imagine that she treats foreigners like that. So... how she used to treat me and my father?

Father.

They loved partying, so many times I just stayed at home with my granma.
Everytime when dad came back from those parties he was totally wasted and depressed, why?
When they were in the pub or club, drinking beer, when dad went to a toilet for example, mother was mixing his beer with vodka. As he was getting drunk, she was mixing more and more. When dad fell asleep "under the table" she started to cheat on him. Clever b*tch, huh? She always had insane friends, so instead of helping him they were laughing and making jokes. Everytime they came home she was starting to fight with him.
As a child I couldn't understand what's going on but when I grew up I read about Borderline personality disorder. That's 100% about my mother.
Now, imagine that if he didn't agree or apologize her she was closing him in a basement (wtf?).
My dad used to be a kick-boxer and I know that martial arts makes you undersand many situations and being calm when somethings going wrong. So he just accepted her behaviour and didn't want to fight. My dad haven't punched any lady - ever.

She always cheated on dad. And now she's cheating on her current partner.

Oh, remember my post about watching a video by her and her friends? That's the best example that she had bad companionship.

Me.

She wanted to hurt me even before I was born. As a pregnant woman she climbed the roof and was balancing on the edge saying that she will jump. Thanks God she only wanted an attention... But what if she would lost her equipoise?
I will not describe all the things that she has done to me, because I want to do it later but I just wanted to tell you that during my childhood I was abusing, beaten, treated like I was nothing, a trash... Still I have some scars that she made on my body by punching me with different things like a cable, keys, a tube and many other stuff. But the worst thing is my mental condition now.

OK, as I said before I'm ill so I have no strengh to write more but soon I will make it up.

I am sorry, see you later.

Little break & publications plan.

I thought that I'll give myself a break and rest a few days but I'm still ill and feel worse everyday. Probably it's just a flu but I don't know why medicine doesn't help me.

There's a lot more things that I want to share with you but my whole body aches so I can't think sober.

My boss told me to stay at home til the end of this week so maybe I'll make something out later. It's time to say something about how my mother has treated my father and a bit about grandma.

Publications plan:

1. mother's behaviour
2. where she was taking me when I was a little child
3. when I saw a man raping my mother
4. few random situations that I can remember

Cu later.

Friend's father. According to watching the video and some other situations.

I've mentioned that bastard in my previous post. There's no good thing I could say about him.

Year 1998/99
First time I can remember that I met him when mother has invited some friends to the party in our flat. It was the same evening they were watching the video of me "rescuing dad" recorded the day before.
So it's how more or less it looked like:

When they were watching TV he sat next to me. He was whispering something in my ear and then put his hand on my thigh. Of course I knew it was bad so I suddenly got up and started to yelling at him. He just smiled with his pedophile smile and did nothing about it... so did my mom. Why the hell she didn't care that someone is touching her little daughter? Why the hell his wife didn't care?! I just escaped to my room and closed the door. I can't remember what happened next so probably I just fell asleep and that's all.
I only hope that he didn't do anything disgusting to his son (who is still one of my best friends), effin' pig.

It wasn't easy to avoid this bastard because they lived next to my door. But I've made it somehow for a couple of years. But happiness can't last forever.

6 years later
The other summer day his son visited me because we wanted to play some Counter Strike. We were playing a game, mother was sitting in her room, everything was cool. Then his father appeared. I must say that I'm a believer, so I forgave him what he has done and gave him another chance, thought that after a few years he seemed to change. So he just asked how it's going, we said it's ok. Although he looked different, unfortunately his behaviour didn't change. So when my friend went to the toilet he moved his head to mine and started licking my ear. I was like "what the hell is going on dude?!" and punched his face (as I said before, I was into martial arts, so I knew how I could defend myself). And he escaped from my flat.

15 years later
Apart from this insane issue, let's talk about his 2013/14 life.

In 2013 his wife discovered that he was cheating on her since a few years. She kicked him out from their flat, lost her weight (which was pretty high at that time) and found a new guy, then got pregnant with him.
You think that problem was solved? No way.
That insane guy started to stalk his ex wife and their son. Everynight he was throwing stones to their windows, he was knocking to the door all night long, he was following them everyday. He stopped to wash, stopped to change clothes and started to drink a lot.
Why am I talking in the past tense? Just because when he realized that everything is over and all he has is his money (yeah, he was rich). The nail in his coffin was that pregnancy. So in the beggining of 2014 he commited a suicide by hanging himself.
Think someone cried? No. Someone came to his funeral? No. That's all he deserved.

There's a lot bad things I could say about him but I don't like to waste my time on talking about trash.

By the way, this little baby was born a month ago and it's really cute!

"So it begins..." My first memory. 4/5 years old.

It was the winter of '98/99 (probably late '98 December or early '99 January). As a birthday gift I've received my 1st sledge. The other day I was awoken by mom and saw tons of snow behind the window. Fulfilled with happiness I woke my dad and asked if we could go out for sledding to the nearby area. /at that time my parents were still married so we lived together with my grandfather who died more than a year later/ As he agreed I immediately dressed up and we went to a little mountain which was situated pretty close to our flat. I've met other children at that place so my dad just sat down on a bench with my friend's father (I will write about this bastard too, but later) and I was enjoying time in the snow. When it started to getting dark I turned around and I saw that he was gone. I can't remember what I thought about but I decided to go back home before the night will come down. Thanks God it wasn't that far away so I could find the right way.

OK, I will not forget that view of my father when I've opened the door to my room. He was laying naked on my bed, totally drunk and pissed himself and my bed. I bet he has started to piss when he had his clothes on because they were all lying wet on my toys...
I started to cry but a few moments later I realized that I can't just lay and get hysterical like a little child (which I actually was). I took a towel and covered him, then turned him on his right side (I didn't want him to throttle with his own puke). I don't know if it's a shame for me, my dad or himself that my grandfather was recording the whole situation. What an a**hole. Instead of help a little child or don't let me see my father like this he was just standing... I bet he was drunk too. But where was my mother? Pff, God knows. She was only into partying and didn't care about me.

I can also remember that the next day she came back and watched the video with her friends and she was laughing that I've tried to help my dad. Her friends were just looking at me with compassion but they knew that they can't do anything. And if someone told her to stop laughing she was like "get the f**k out!!!".

This is my 1st memory from my childhood. It's not physically violent at all but my 1st reminiscence should be having fun in the amusement park or my first animal. Just like the other children "normal" memories.

Anyway, it's pretty soft comparing to my other adventures with drunk people. See you soon.

My immediate family tree and short desciptions.

OK, so here we go. It's complicated, isn't it?

From the left:

Grandfather - loves vodka and being lazy. Used to work as a welder. Dad says that he was very violent when his sons were young and used to beat them (but not his wife, only children). He's working as a security man now and goes to work drunk everyday.

Grandmother - the only one person who I really love and respect. She teached me how to live my life but she doesn't know how my childhood has looked like. I couldn't tell her, because I don't want to worry her. Since 3 weeks she's lying in the hospital and having a chemotherapy, that's the reason I'm totally broken.

3 brothers - actually only one of them lives with me now, so I won't describe the others. He loves vodka just like his father. He drinks everyday since almost 30 years - a few months ago he was diagnosed with a cancer. I know he loves me but when he's drunk he becomes aggressive. No wife, no children.

Father - the one who has let me down me the most. In the 90's he used to be a kickboxer, he was fighting with the most popular sportsmen and was really good. In 1993 he took first place in kickboxing championship. His success motivated me to start martial arts and I was as good as my dad. Won a lot of prizes and 1st places. Til approx. 2008 he was the calmest person I've ever met, then something changed... guess what? Of course! He has had started to drink a vodka. When he started drinking, I gave up martial arts.

People which I've mentioned above (except 2 brothers of my father) are my roommates since 2008.
People below were my roommates til 2008.

RIP Grandfather - he died in 2000 but I can remember something about him. Don't worry, it's nothing nice. I only can remember that he was drunk almost everyday but not aggressive. He woke up, went drinking and came back sleep, so I didn't talk much with him. He always had his camera so I have a lot of pics and videos when I was like 0-7 years old.

RIP Grandmother - I don't know nothing about her, she died before I was born.

Mother - oh my God... if you think you met someone evil in your life, you're wrong. This is the worst person on this planet. She beat me, tried to kill me, abused me, she could destroy my all CD's which I was collecting, my clothes and everything I used to owe. That's the reason I escaped from her flat to my grandmother's home. Anything I do, she screams and becomes aggressive. When I was young she blamed me that I was born, so that's why she treated me like a piece of s**t (that's what she told me). Anyway, I'll write about it later. Ahhh, I forgot - of course she loves drinking and partying.

Partner - when my parents divorced, a couple of years later she got pregnant with this guy. He comes from a village and works as a security man. To be honest - I don't like him. Not because I'm jealous or something but just because I'm full of empathy and even when my mother comes straight from hell I can't stand when he's bullying her and their child.

Brother - a child of my mother and her partner. He is mentally ill (ADHD, Asperger Syndrome) but I love him. Actually he acts like a normal child, which sometimes becomes a little devil.

So you already know that I'm an ACOA. Now imagine that I live with 3 guys and every guy drinks everyday. I must clean up house, cook and pay bills. And I'm 20 years old...

It's not all, I used to live mostly with a boyfriend for almost 2 years (10.2012-08.2014, with some short breaks) but I'll write about it later.